Lifeunderstood's Weblog

I’m angry, and tired, and sad, and I just don’t want to deal with it right now

lifeunderstood — Sat, 16 May 2009 20:25:58 +0000

I don’t want to look at you, or talk to you, or be with you, or know you, and I certainly don’t want to need you to be who you were when it mattered. I don’t want to run into you on the street, and have an awkward moment of nothing to say. I don’t want you to worry about me, because there isn’t anything you can say or do that we haven’t already tried. I don’t want YOU. I don’t want to be irritated, because it is as much my fault as it is yours (or at least that is what I keep telling myself so I will stop blaming you) I don’t want to care, but I do, and I don’t want to die knowing that I cared too much, or not enough, or not the ways you needed me to, because it doesn’t matter anymore. I don’t want it to matter in five years, or five minutes, or five seconds, that you have become what I asked you never to be – A nightmare. I don’t want to go place with people we both know, knowing that you are going to be a topic at some point, and I don’t want everyone to tread lightly in my presence (that lacks the honesty that is the only thing I will ever ask for) I hate the fact that you were such a big thing, and that you didn’t know it, or that you did, and I got blown off, because frankly it hurts. I hate the fact that there was such a gross misinterpretation of the situation at some point, and that you were probably responsibl, and that I was naive enough to think otherwise. Have said all that. I don’t hate you. I just don’t respec you as much as I used to. I used to lie awake at night thinking about you, and wishing you the best in life…..I still pray for you. I still hope you will finish fighting your own nightmares, and find what it is you are looking for. I still think you are in the wrong I am bitter, and I just don’t want to deal with it, or you right now.

I don’t have to send this to you, or post it, or tell you how I feel, because someday you will read this and you won’t ever know what it was about and you won’t know that it is you. The last thing you’ll be getting from me, you won’t know, but you’ll recognize enough of what I have written to know that no mater who it is for, it is talking straight to your heart. There is enough of the truth here.

I imagine that when/if you do read this, you will find it incredibly enlightening, and you ill probably have some halfbaked trip into guilt, so right now I am going to tell you that this isn’t about you anymore. You might want to contact me and ask if this is about you. You mght want that…..but I doubt you will do anything. You would rather have that guilt remain unconfirmed so you don’t have to deal with it either.

I miss him

lifeunderstood — Sat, 16 May 2009 20:12:38 +0000

Somethings are just meant to be the way they are. Some feelings wont stop and some downpours will pour down. No matter how hard I try to move beyond a person or situation, it will keep coming back and make me nostalgic. I miss him.

Time for me to vent again

lifeunderstood — Sat, 16 May 2009 20:04:49 +0000

It’s funny, no one tells you life will be like this when you grow up. I feel like everything I do is either a conflict or a compromise. I walk through life-my life, with a falsified smile acting as if everything were ok. I guess everyone does that at one point or another though…..Everybody walks around with their walls up, their masks on. These are the masks they have created, that society has created. Everybody projects an image of themselves as “normal” Whatever that is!!! People think that by becoming what is already accepted that they’re avoiding rejection. Its sad but oh so true. Most people – and I don’t usually generalize – will see someone out of “the norm” and they will criticize them, critique them, and categorize them. They judge them because they themselves are afraid to step out of the line. I’ve learned to step out of the line, to be myself, to just make a little noise for the sake of making it. Life sucks sometimes, but you deal with it and move on.

I don’t know if I find certain people or if they find me. You know the people, they seem so nice and “normal” at first. As you get to know them you fall in love with them, you would do anything for them. Then there is a point in time where everything just changes. You see them in a different light. Once someone attaches themselves to you they change, or you change. I’m not really sure but I do know that a huge change does occur, and its not a good one.

I’ve decided to take a moment to just get real. Now I realize that not everyone shares my thoughts or opinions, that’s why they’re called “my” thoughts and opinions. I don’t judge anyone else by theirs so I wouldn’t expect to be judged by mine. Also, what I say today is simply what I’m feeling at the moment. I’m very open minded and not opposed to letting my view of the world change if someone holds a compelling enough argument or simply shares with me something they feel passionate about. So what I say and feel today could be different three days from now but my convictions in my feelings will be the same.

People say ignorance is bliss; I don’t think I really want to know the truth sometimes. People underestimate the universale force of law and balance. The world and its people are becoming more corrupt and living for their egos. The media doesn’t want to inform us of news they want to sell us entertainment, we live in an entertainment saturated society. They’re distracting people with medial things to keep them from asking questions about what is really going on in the world. The media talks about celebrities and follows them around like lost puppies instead of focusing on the fact that our Country is unnecessarily sacrificing innocent lives every day. They’re sitting comfortably in their lavish homes sacrificing these lives, the lives of our loved ones, and they say it’s to keep us safe!?!? What about keeping our loved one safe? Basically America is one big lie. People accept what the government and media feed them as the truth. The government is pulling strings for their own benefit, they don’t care if it causes suffering to millions of people they see as inferior anyway.

It’s so true, and frustrating that so many people are blind to the ways of the world. Now please don’t think that I’m implying in any way that I know how the world works. I am very aware that what my eyes have been opened to as of lately is just a minuscule part of the “Big Picture.” Just the fact that my eyes have been opened to it gives me a one up on a lot of people though. I don’t mean for that to sound like I’m better than anyone. People need to open their minds and accept that what they’re being told on TV and in “News” papers isn’t real. It’s what the government wants them to see, just smoke and mirrors so they can continue to fuck up the world with on one asking questions or putting up a fight. At the same time I can’t fully put the blame on the government and the higher ups. We are people and we have free will. We are partially at fault for buying into their mendacity for so long. It’s not too late though, people need to open their eyes and ask questions and make changes. Don’t do what you’re told simply because someone tells you to, ask why, say no. Do it while you still have any rights at all.

Enough about that though, now onto people themselves being untruthful to themselves. If you can’t be honest with yourself then how can you expect to be honest with anyone else. This world is becoming dangerously interested in itself. People walk through life everyday, carefully projecting an image of who they want to be. Polished and beautiful, silently hoping to be noticed and not rejected. I’ve don’t it, I won’t deny that. It’s a driving need that reflects one’s frailty. Being “accepted” is sadly thought to be on of the most important things in life. No, you say, I don’t care what people think, I am me and nothing can change that. No, you say, what others say has no effect on me whatsoever. Popularity can shove its ugly face up it’s…..

But wait. Think about it for a minute. How many of us aren’t indentured to our image, spending money on clothes and the time in making a socially comfortable mold in which to hide ourselves? Hiding how we really feel as we walk through life. How many of us are screaming inside? How many of us are outwardly conforming to the norm, but dying to let out who we really are?

This fear of rejection behind our facade is what makes us seem to be self-absorbed. Our world is becoming dangerously interested in itself, not as a community, but as isolated individuals. Individual bubbles floating around on their own, weakened by their lack of interest in other people and other’s feelings. Apathy lurks behind this lack of interest and is more destructive than people hiding their true selves, disguising themselves beyond recognition. If we’re not careful, we will wander so far from what we really are that we won’t be able to find our way back.

There are problems in this world, the cruel treatment of animals, the gradual destruction of the environment, the violation and even wholesale slaughter of humanity. But image is the most important thing? Next to the major problems of the world image should seem insignificant.

What’s in an image? Inside everyone is this deep need, a need to be understood, to express oneself, to be known for whom one really is. But perhaps it is easier to grow comfortable behind these projected images that to risk being exposed and appearing unfavorable to others. Perhaps it is easier to worry only about one’s needs, to become self-absorbed, in short, to avoid rejection by becoming what is already accepted.

This natural fear has put us into an unnatural state of disguise and untruthfulness to ourselves. Social revolution through taking the risk and opening ourselves up for people to see is needed. We need to take the time to look, to be interested in something besides ourselves. The apathy that will destroy us is fathered by the fear that is in every one of us, and it has grown into self-absorption. I want to scream out when I’m walking down the street, but I can’t. The truth is a short-lived revolution like that; an outburst from one person would wax and wane. There would be no lasting effect.

So what if we were to stop, think, and become open to change? A little at a time, a little with every thought, if we just cut ourselves a little slack and accept our imperfections, we could open up and rediscover our true selves. If we just took the time to think, to empathize, to consider, we could appreciate the ideals of other people. We need to let emotion explode through our true image.

I will rise now…..

lifeunderstood — Sat, 16 May 2009 19:48:10 +0000

I waited for the sunrise this morning and was disappointed to see the day emerge void of life affirming colour. Clouds full of snow threatening to drop down on the landscape seemed to cloak the sky’s breath and depth of possibilities. Omnipresent like a sneering bully on the playground, they hovered……arms crossed, immovable and bossy!
I walked away, determined to ignore it’s wintry threats and began to focus my attention on slipping into the beauty of the imagination where the spectrum of possibility perches on the precipice of eternity. Over a cup of tea of course. Imagination and tea are happy partners in generating thoughts and feelings. No cloudy bully was going to break my spirit! HA! Not when I had a steaming mug of tea by my side.
Ok……imagination, tea and a twisted need for a sip of the absurd….my ingredients to bite back at the bully clouds…..to see the world around me with a new set of eyes.
I looked up at the window again. Day had broken without the cresting colour just above the horizon. That time had come and gone. Instead, it had patiently held onto its empowering beauty, joined forces with the words of the wind and braided its luminescence through the bullying clouds. Shadows and light tasting colour seeped out its drama, like a life living its dramatic score.
Still in my sexy red plaid flannel pajamas, I exchanged my cozy slippers for my boots, slipped into my big woolen coat, grabbed my camera and headed out the door into the crisp coldness of a January morning.
I felt alive and connected to my part of the world…..alone standing in the middle of my street….I enjoyed the unveiling of a beautiful day. Let the drama begin.

An opportunity to let me down

lifeunderstood — Sat, 16 May 2009 19:47:08 +0000

I have been told that I hold onto the wrong people and cut the right people loose from my life, that I get too attached to the wrong people and don’t give the right people a chance. Considering how long I’ve gone without getting attached to anyone, even when I’m getting it backwards I consider it a sort of improvement.
From the moment I met you, I have been hooked on you. I have wanted you around all the time from that first moment I saw you and talked with you. There was an energy there that I craved, a light and heat that lingered inside of me like a flash of heat lightening. I could talk to you for hours. you had me when you walked through that door and you didn’t even know it. So, from the start, I was doomed to be let down.
Everytime you couldn’t make it or weren’t around, each time I looked forward to seeing you and you could be there, I realized how much you meant to me and it scared me, scared me senseless. I am so proud and want so badly to not be so vulnerable to you, since you can only be my friend. And it often seemed like it was no big deal to you that you let me down, but you may not have really known what you had done.
I am torn. How do I play the role of a friend now, what would a friend do? Would a friend be so hurt when you didn’t call at least to say you can’t make it, would a friend get so mad when you forget that you had plans? Is there something about me that is not being honest with itself, not admitting that even if I can’t have you, I want you in ways you can’t be for me? Probably so. That’s been an ongoing problem for me. If I don’t forgive you this time, is that saying that I want to be more than your friend, that I am hiding my true intentions? I mean, you haven’t really done anything wrong, but I feel that you have, you have let me down. You have done far less than I anticipated, you don’t think of me (or if you do, I’ll never know it by your actions) or miss me like I miss you.
One day I’m going to show up nonchalantly at your world and find out for myself what you think of me. I will storm down the walls of your world that shut me out only letting me in at small intervals unfairly. You will then be forced to kick me out, so that I know where I stood, and where I now stand. I will give you every opportunity to fail me, to be all the things I think you are, in the vain hope that you will for once, prove me wrong. I am worth it, I believe, I am worth all this annoying attention. At some point, I will get my answers so I can finally cut you loose from my heart. Or maybe, for the first time, let you in. But will you even be interested once you’ve found out what I’ve done, what I’ve put you through?

I Love You

lifeunderstood — Sat, 16 May 2009 19:44:00 +0000

I love you!
I just thought I would start off with that. These three little words when tied together can be the most precious of beautiful things to say or the most vile of mockeries.
When I say I love you I try to make it special, I think about all the implications, all the nuances to the words.
This is my definition of the words in this most divine of staements, and what they mean to me:
I, meaning myself, my whole self, through and through, in absolutly every way I know how. Love meaning absolute devotion. The selfless need for you to be happy for the somewhat selfish fact that it will make me happier than anything else. Meaning that you are always in my thoughts, and you’ll always be important to me. You, meaning everything you are, every little detail, every little happy or sad detail and quirk. Not excluding anything, not holding anything back, the whole you.
So when I say it, I try to be honest, and remember all that is means. That I am absolutly devoted to your happiness, that I want for you to be happy at all times no matter what. Now, this doesn’t only pertain to romantic relationships, but I’m starting to apply it to all relationships. I am going to start telling my mother that I love her, and tell her why. It can become reflex after awhile to just say it without thought. I think it should be too strong to be a reflex.
Also, I don’t feel this statement should be used to manipulate people. It’s a horrible thing, in my opinion, to say I love you to get sex, or to get something you want. I say I love you, and I mean I love everything about you, even through your troubles, even if you started hating me, I would still have to accept that love, because it’s still you.
This is just my litle thought. I think it’d be cool for everyone to look at what they think of when they say I love you, because it can be so beautiful and pure.
Update time, I hope the people that enjoyed this read this because I have some new thoughts.
I love you, as a statement can be stated in many ways. With as powerful as this statement is, sometimes repetition causes for it to have less impact.
As hard as I try, it can’t be as powerful if it doesn’t take time to gather the right words. Try saying it in a new way, a way that means I love you, but isn’t necissarily in that form.
You are a beautiful person
I love your eyes. This one is very special to me I take it’s meaning so diferently, the eye’s being the window of the soul, and their soul being part of the object of my love.
Be creative, if words fail you , then show it. It’s powerful and gives you all the room in the world to come up with something new.
I’ve come up with countless other ways of saying it, I just wanted to share my favorities.

For the person with the initials RS

lifeunderstood — Sat, 16 May 2009 19:42:36 +0000

Today I saw myself in a public bathroom mirror, thought how odd that I should look all night to myself reversed. My default is backwards, but that all right with my brain, it’s expected.
Someone had written poetry the wrong way on the wrong wall. To read it I had to turn my back and see it backwards in the mirror, the right way. It said Believe it or not you are ready.
I dream places backward – a door on the north side, having to go up a hill instead of down the ravine.
Once I met a boy and thought oh, this is him, this is who fits the pattern, look, he has the face my brain expects. He did everything I did not expect. I equated constant surprise with love. I should have known I would have to turn my back to make sense of him.

Getting through…..recapturing peace of mind

lifeunderstood — Sat, 16 May 2009 19:23:55 +0000

It seems as though I suffer more from the “getting throughs” at this time of year than in the peak of summer. Everything requires so much more effort starting from getting out of bed in the morning when its still dark out. It just feels so unnatural, like our own internal need is to hibernate……to sleep deeper, to stay tucked under the duvet, to wait until light begins to pour through the window. Just the knowledge let alone the reality of having to deal with mitts, hats, boots, big fur coats, icy sidewalks, cold cars just to get out the door in the morning to go to work can invoke the mind altering “getting throughs……”
“Can’t I just stay home???” This is what the little whiney voice says in my head. “When does Friday come around again,” it says as the aches of wanting to hibernate kick in.

I’m beginning to realize that my “getting throughs” are in direct correlation with the absence of enough light in my life. I need it to boost my energy. The paradox here, however is that I love winter nights when the pitch outside has an infiinite space to it, when the twinkling lights inside glow brighter in contrast. I rarely feel the pushing sensation of wanting it to end, of wanting to get through it.

It’s been a long week full of the regular responsibilities accompanied by a multitude of other activities thrown into the mix. Its left me with an empty cup. Somewhere in the middle of the week, my focus flipped forward with such yearning for Friday to come. That “in the moment” frame of mind kept slipping out of my grasp and the more it did, the more energy I had to expend in order to stay on task. Wishing one’s week or day away is an unsatisfactory trap because you do miss out on the collective nuances of breathing the air around you.

I had a few amazing sessions, an connected with a few colleagues at a deeper level……sharing personal histories never shared before over the lunch hour. I celebrated the historic inauguration of Barack Obama, soaking up his stern message to anyone who was listening clearly that it was time to grow up and take some ownership on our global and personal affairs. I spent one evening trying with all my might to remember how to figure out that standard deviation of a bell curve. HELLO!??

All week, I advocated, conjoled, promoted, counselled, listened, interacted….all good stuff but tiring too….especially if your mindset is focused on the end of the week. I am literally all talked out and spent from listening and coaching and trying to find solutions. Spent. I havent one new idea in my head…..not one. I used them up……

So here I sit on a Friday evening….having made it through another week. I made it! I’m sitting on my oh so comfortable couch, snuggled into the corner, tucked in under a blanket. Everyone is out tonight for a short while. The kids are sleeping soundly. I can faintly hear the singleness of a lonely car driving by. No music is playing. The TV is off.

Good night…………hibernation awaits….I’ve been so looking forward to it.

I Needed You Last Night

lifeunderstood — Sat, 16 May 2009 19:21:27 +0000

……..

I needed you lastnight.

I needed to feelyour arms around me

I needed you to tellme everything

was going to be allright

but, you wereunavailable.

You are afraid that

we cannot see eachother

without devouringeach other

maybe you’re right,I don’t know.

I only know, Ineeded you last night

I was afraid andconfused

by what the worldhad brought

and desired comfortfrom you.

It was strange…..

your arms weren’tthere

unavailable forsolace

attached to yousomewhere

withoutme….lingering

gathering yourwarmth

taking in yourstrength

consolation to ahungry soul.

I needed you lastnight

and I found you

in my dreams

reaching througheternity.

I needed you lastnight

I touched your souland

we were one

you unknowinglyprovided

blessed tranquility

support to a fearunfounded

because……

I needed you lastnight.

The Inner Conflict

lifeunderstood — Sat, 16 May 2009 17:33:19 +0000

Our minds chum and bubble with activity. There is not a moment in the day or night when we aren’t thinking. We analyze, reflect, ponder, postulate, ruminate, daydream, drift and dream. As adults our thoughts seem so much more tangled and complicated. Our energy seems to leave our hearts colder and moves with friction into our heat zapping brains. If we allow it, our thinking trumps our feelings like a lion would a lamb. It seems so much more aggressive as it feeds off our emotional simmerings, stirring up the voices which make you second guess yourself. “Prove you are a good person…..” “You don’t fit in…..” “Nobody really cares about you……” “Why do you feel you are worthy? YOU aren’t worthy.” “You keep screwing up. What’s wrong with you?” “Why do you think anyone can love you?” The lamb within us becomes an innocent victim when the lion within us decides to pounce. Our ability to think is our greatest gift, though there are times when it would be helpful if one could turn it off in order to avoid the guilt, shame, fears and anxiety it can generate. It is an isolating weapon producing paralyzing pain. When our thoughts turn on us, the pain feels like an unrelenting slaughter of the soul…..one that is so difficult to stop. It is a quick swing of the pondering axe which can lead to self doubt and depression, especially if our thinking is hungry for fuel…..if we are already in a wounded place. How do we protect ourselves from allowing the roaring lion reflections to turn our lamb like emotions into a carcass? How do we internally fight off the attack of the nasty thoughts in order to find peace between the two animals? We need to take special care to hear the voice of the lamb. We need to release our thoughts, the harmful ones and the hopeful ones into a pool of prayer…..where the attacking monologue turns into a dialogue with God. We need to listen to the small voice tucked deep inside…..the one who reaffirms…..the one who will show us how to coach the lion to lay down with the lamb. Listen for the love…..experience it as amazing grace. He never lies. …..now, if I could only accept my own advice and not let the freakin’ lion roar in my head…..